Mother’s Day sucks. I know I can’t be the only one to feel this way. I’ve know many other people who feel the same. It’s painful and crushing, and can be so hard to get through.
I struggled to get pregnant. It was several years of thinking that it would never happen, and feeling that pain when Mother’s Day came around, and I wasn’t a mother. It was staying in my seat when they asked the mothers to stand up in church. It was going home, and crying instead of out to eat. It was gifts never gotten, and it was flowers never received.
After I did have my daughter it was several more years of trying to get pregnant again. When I finally did, I miscarried. After that I never got pregnant again. We tried. We tracked. We used fertility drugs. We prayed. We ate better, walked more, rested more. It never happened.
Then three years ago my doctor said that it was time to stop, and do a hysterectomy. He thought I had cancer. So I did it. I sealed my fate of ever carrying a baby again. Sadly it also played a part in pushing my marriage over the edge.
My ex husband hated Mother’s Day too. His mom died when he was 16. He hated going through the day without his Mom to see, and love on. I understood that. So he rarely celebrated Mother’s Day, and I didn’t protest.
This year will be my first Mother’s Day since my (step) son died. The last several years he has always asked me to come see him on Mother’s Day. I realized earlier today that this year he won’t be asking me. That this year there is only a crash site to go to. That I can’t talk to him, hug him, tell him that I love him.
I’ve been dreading this weekend for a while now. My daughter wants to go to church, and I will probably take her. But, I already know that the acknowledgement of Mothers is going to be hard for me. I know that not getting the text asking me to come see him will be hard for me.
I don’t really know how to deal with that. But, my daughter is looking forward to the day, so I will try to be happy for her. I adore her, and am so grateful to have her. But, having her in my life doesn’t stop the pain of not having my other children.
I wish I could write out a list of things you can do when Mother’s Day is hard. But really I have found that the only thing you can do is hibernate, and wait for it to be over.
So here is what I want to say. I see you, and I know you, and you will make it.
Dear one who doesn’t have their mom, I see you.
Dear one who no longer has their child/children, I know you.
Dear one who is in so much pain on this day, you will make it.
I see you.
I know you.
You will make it through.
Much love to you this weekend dear one.