I rest in the quite of my little home. My body is failing me again, and changes have to be made. Diet, activity, and lifestyle. Hard things. Necessary things have to be changed. The doctor has added to my medications again. “We need to work on healing your stomach” she says as she puts me on more pills, takes away so many foods, and the coffee I love so much. We talk about low impact exercise. Walking, yoga, and resting. Resting is important. My body is over producing stress hormones and shutting down parts of my being. My organs are not doing what they have been made to do.They are shutting down. Ulcers have also have presented themselves and I feel overwhelmed. I feel scared. But I hide it all behind a “I can do this, I am strong” facade. I walk out of her office with a plan, and an a sense of alone-ness that I have not felt in a while.
Years ago I almost died. My body was shutting down. My stomach organs were not doing their job, and I barely escaped death with a grateful heart and a fear that this would happen again. It was a very high probability. It is happening again. The first time I had the love of my life by my side. Holding me and telling me that it was all going to be okay. This time there is no love of my life. But there is a precious 10 year old girl with my nose that has so many body image issues at her young age. I do it for her. I fight to remain alive and well and healthy for her. I am her mentor. I am her example. I am her mother. I will rest, and eat well, and take my pills for her. This time I don’t do it for me, or him. I do it for her.