I sit in the quiet of my apartment and the only thing I hear is the crunch of the cheese-its that I’m not supposed to be eating. My girl is with her dad this weekend, and I am home alone. I love being alone. Being alone recharges me. Obviously, I’m an introvert. I go out, and then I come home and sleep, because people wear me out. Even if I love them, they just drain me. So I savor every alone minute that I get.
What I do not like is being lonely. Which is exactly what I have been trying to keep at bay all afternoon. My soon to be ex husband and daughter have gone on a road trip today, and I keep seeing pictures. They have told me off and on about the places they have gone today. I am jealous. It’s my family, and I want to be with them. I want to join in the fun, and spend the day laughing. On the way home from their trip they are picking up my (step) son, and going to see a movie together. As a family. My family, that is no longer all mine. I am not lonely for just anyone to be around. I have people I could spend time with. I am lonely for my family. For the ones that I love most. I am lonely because I am no longer a part of something so cozy, and amazing as a family.
It makes my heart beat in an odd rhythm, and my mind a little scattered. So I’ve been trying to distract myself, because I know as the night goes on this loneliness will only get worse. I save my work for night so that I can occupy my mind. I write, and read, and make plans to avoid what I feel. But it’s still there.
So I write it here. I say it out loud. I put it out for all to see. The loneliness really gets to me.