When your brain doesn’t shut off it’s a very scary thing. Your brain being on overdrive means that your body is on overdrive too. The brain signals the body. If the signals your brain is passing out are overloaded then your body is going to be overloaded too. It’s a bad cycle to be in.
It’s the cycle my brain and body have been in for years. Today it was recognized. I saw a therapist in hopes that she could help me with my negative thoughts and heal from a lot of hurt.
Instead she told me that she couldn’t help me because my brain does not process the way most people’s brain do. That anything she said would be covered up by the way my brain is currently processing thoughts, and then in response to that my body was over stimulated.
I never stop. I never stop thinking, doing, or reacting. It’s been a problem for most of my adult life. If I’m honest, probably most of my life. I have never understood how to control it, and after an hour and a half this woman had pinpointed all my issues.
I called my general practitioner and made an appointment. I told the nurse what was said, and asked for help. I feel so overwhelmed with the prospect of one more thing to treat.
ADHD, it’s not something new to me. I’ve been managing my daughters symptoms for years. But it freaked me out.
I started thinking of all the ways I felt fucked up. I started questioning if things were my fault that clearly were not. It’s what I do. It’s how my brain responds.
There are answers. There is help. But, I still get scared that I won’t get the help I need. That the doctor will again blame anxiety on my OCD. Or vice versa.
When your brain doesn’t stop it’s like being stuck in a carnival ride. It’s not fun. It’s exhausting, and scary, and it controls you. It leaves you useless, and helpless, and screaming to get off.
I have been screaming for a long time. I want off the ride now. I’m done. The fun is gone. My body is suffering the consequences. I can’t handle any more.
Getting off the ride will slow me down. Which is also scary. How hard will I crash? How will my body respond? Who will I be when I am no longer riding the ride all the time.
It’s hard to know. But I want to find out.