Last week I wanted to die. I wasn’t thinking about suicide. I just didn’t want to live. Life was hell, and I couldn’t handle it. So I stopped everything I could, and withdrew into myself. Only two people knew about the pain I was going through, and that felt safe to me. People asked me what was going on, and I wouldn’t talk. I have found that the less people I have involved the safer I feel.
I’m still going through it. I fight it everyday. But, I’m functioning now. Medication started working on my ADHD, and how I was processing things. The difference is shocking. Coming down from it is not so fun (unless you are watching it happen), but totally worth the hours of focus, and calm, and the energy! I have so much more energy now and the only thing I can think of is that my brain, and body don’t have to work as hard. Which gives me more energy.
I had also paid for a month long intense coaching, complete with shakes, and workouts. All geared to help with some of my long time physical problems. I wished I hadn’t signed up, because it required living. Something I didn’t want to do. It required getting out of bed. It required eating. It required movement, and communication with people I didn’t know. But I paid for it. I wasn’t going to not do it. It has been amazing. I love seeing what my body can do. My workouts have been a lot of walking and MMA everyday. My muscles are sore, but it’s a good sore. The shakes are sweet,but not bad. It’s something I can do to be consistent with breakfast. The desire to move my body more has been great for clearing my mind too. I’m so thankful that I did this even if it did come at the worst time. Or is it the best time?
I have also been learning what I need when I feel like I can’t handle life. Laying on the floor instead of the couch somehow calms me. Blasting Eminem loudly through my earbuds is soothing. Taking walks, getting lost in a book, and coloring all distract me.
So why am I telling you all this when I don’t even talk to most of the people I know about how crazy I feel? Because I think it’s possible that one of you may feel like this too. Like you don’t want to live. Like life from bed is as good as it gets. I fight that every day. I understand. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I want to hear what you are doing to function, or at least survive. I want you to know that there are things you can do for yourself. It will be the hardest thing you will do, and it could be completely different than the things I do. But, you can do it.
So I guess all I am trying to say is don’t give up. Loosing your mind is completely acceptable. Loosing your life is not.
Much love to all you struggling out there