This last month has been very challenging. Some days I didn’t want to get out of bed. Some days I just wanted to escape. So I did. I went to the beach. I went to the movies. I went to the coffee house. Sometimes you just need that escape. You need to walk away from all the hurt in life, and ya know, live a little.
My husband and I recently divorced. Less than 2 months ago, we got the divorce papers. We had only filed them less than 3 months before that. But he has a girlfriend. He is dating someone, and has been for a while now. Someone that is 11 years younger than him, and has a daughter near in age to ours. She takes up his time. Even the time that is supposed to be spent with our daughter. My little girl is crying because she is afraid that she might be replaced. That she might be forgotten. It is so hard to watch.
He also let a few other women move into his house. He gave them her room, and let their daughters take over her toys, and playroom. He didn’t tell our daughter until it was done. Being a special needs kid, she doesn’t adjust well to change. This was a big change. She is trying to be okay with this, but I hate that she has to go through this.
Everything about this time consumes my thoughts. I can’t write, unless it’s about him. I can’t read. I can’t knit. I can’t be with a group of people, it produces so much anxiety. So I do my MMA workouts, and write about him, and listen to music. I walk around the park while my girl plays, and I drink my coffee. I try not to be mean or fight with people. Some days I’m successful. Some days not so much. So I go back to music, and my journal, and moving my body.
I have a friend that comes over about twice a week. She spends the night, hangs out, helps out, uses my shower. This week she asked, and I said no. I told her that I can’t be a good friend right now. I just don’t know how to be. I don’t know if I have ever turned a friend away with a statement like that. I make it a priority to always be there for my friends. But, right now, I just don’t know how possible it is. I’m barely hanging on.
I have been so willing to skip appointments, say no to friends, let my family go to voicemail, pick up easy dinners, take days away, and do whatever I need to do for me. It’s so different from the life that I have lived for years now. But, I need to say no. I need to take the time for me. I’m afraid of not being able to function if I don’t.
I have family members with very pressing health problems. The subscription I canceled weeks ago made a mistake, and sent my bank account into the negative. I paid my rent late because I just didn’t have it. A lovely person shared some little critters with us that took me the last two weeks, and over $100 to get rid of. I found out that there was a mistake on my car insurance, and when I was rear ended I wasn’t covered. My daughter’s therapist, whom she loves is suddenly gone from the office. The list just goes on and on. I promise, you don’t want to know it all.
So why am I telling you all this? Why put it all out there?
Because my dear heart, I know that you may be going through some hard times too. I want to say that you are not alone. And maybe you are pushing yourself at such a rate that you are hardly holding on. It’s okay to let go. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You just have to do the best that you can for you. The rest will follow.
I once would have argued the idea of letting go. I couldn’t slow down either. Too much to do. Too many people who depend on me. Trust me, when it gets bad enough, you will slow down. Don’t wait until you are forced too.
I’ve heard it said: “If you aren’t willing to change then things in your life aren’t bad enough. Because when things get bad enough you fight for change.”
I fully believe this. We so easily stay stuck where we are because we are not motivated enough to change it. When do we become motivated? When things get bad. And when that happens, you will feel like everything is impossible to handle. So I just want to tell you to do your best. The world will not stop because you stop. You can take time for you. You can cancel the many coffee/play dates, and trips to the store, and the family dinners. You can stop working so hard, because it’s okay to rest.
I have to say all of this to myself too. It’s hard. When you have spent the last 8–9 years running non stop, stopping becomes very hard. But, it also becomes necessary. That’s when you do your best. You move your body, get some sleep, take a day off, eat your veggies, and spend some time with yourself.
You can do that. You are strong. Do the best that you can. It’s okay to function minute by minute if you need too. You will survive dear one. Love yourself.