How to override self hate talk with discipline
I got into a fight again last night. I almost lost the match. It was me against me in the match for mental peace. I was in the middle of my MMA work out, in between work sessions. I was throwing hooks, and upper cuts when it happened.
My mind started telling me all about myself. It told me how unloved I am. It told me how I am not good enough. It told me that I am only in this world to be used. That my body will never measure up. That I will never be light hearted enough.
Then I started to cry. The tears flowed as I paused the DVD. Emotion, and adrenaline was racing through my body, and the thoughts were coming so fast that they toppled over one another. I sank to the floor feeling defeated, and unworthy.
Negative self talk is not a new thing to me or anyone else. It is a far greater battle than anything physical. When you live with anxiety, and depression it becomes your biggest battle. This is where I found myself in the middle of my work out.
I tried to remind myself that everything I do is for me, and my kids. I tried to tell myself that it doesn’t matter what other people think, that I don’t have to measure up to their expectations. I told myself that I wasn’t doing any of this to impress anyone else.
I battled some more, but I still couldn’t quite get a grip on my thoughts. I had been torn down too many times, by my family, my ex husband, people who didn’t know me at all, and most of all, myself.
So I keep thinking, what do I do with that? How do I push through the day to day, get out of bed, work, exercise, and actually function?
For now it’s about non negotiable activities. In plainer terms, discipline. I make a daily list, everything I put on it has to be done. No questions, no excuses, no choice. The list is there to make me a better human, contribute to the world, and be an example for my kids. Everything on the list meets these goals in some way.
I work out because it is an example, and it leads to a better life.
I work because it leads to a better life, sets an example, and contributes to the world.
I write because it makes me a better person, and is an example to my kids in staying creative.
I eat healthy because it leads to a better life, and is an example to my kids.
I’m sure you see where I am going with this. Self hate talk is a battle. It is my biggest battle, and one that I fight hourly. It sends me into a tailspin so fast, and that spiral can cause a lot of damage to me and those around me on the way down.
I don’t have the answer to getting rid of self bashing talk. I just have the one tool that I use to push past it. Know why I’m doing whatever it is that I am doing. Have a reason to keep doing it. One that has nothing to do with comparing, or other people’s opinions. Then use that reason to your advantage. Hold onto it like it’s the law. Make doing what needs to be done a daily disciple. If you wait for motivation or to push past the crap in your head, I have found that this never really happens.
Think of the discipline as a self reprogramming. Habit forms more habits. If you discipline yourself to push past your thoughts, eventually doing the things you need to do will become the over ridding thoughts. You will wake up and be able to just get your life moving, and your stuff done, and live your life, and it won’t be half the work that it was before because you are no longer battling yourself for love and motivation. You are simply acting out of discipline. And when that happens, when you live a life of discipline then your life begins to change. You will change too. Your thoughts will change too. You will form new habits in how you think. You will form new ways of thinking.
Keep going. Keep pushing. Keep forming habits. This is how we retrain our thoughts, by doing what needs to be done to better ourselves.