Yesterday was my birthday. I ignored it for the most part. The last two years were horrible, and I just did not want to risk more pain. Silly I know, but I don’t think I could have taken another year where I was hurt when I wanted to celebrate.
So I slept, I worked, I babysat, and I went on an errand run with a friend. I am another year older, and for the first time in a decade and a half I am single. My life has changed so much. Instead of two jobs, I now work four. Most of my waking hours are spent jumping from one thing to another. Trying desperately to get done as much as I can. I sleep very little. I often forget to eat. I have to schedule showers, and workouts, and resting time, and even phone calls. This is now my life.
I am learning to be okay with it, but one question still haunts me. When the day is done, and my children are grown, and my life is a bit slower…..what am I supposed to do with my life?
Right now, I am raising my children. That comes first. I am running several businesses. It’s necessary to raise my children. We need money to pay the bills, and my daughter needs me home, so home businesses are a must. I am a friend, but I am not their everything.
I am no longer a wife. My thought for years was that once the kids are out of the house, and the business doesn’t need as much work, I will still be his wife. I will still have purpose, and be able to give to our marriage, and live with the joy of being with him. But, I am no longer his wife.
So now what do I do with my life? Raise my kids, build my businesses, work on healing. What happens when that is all said and done? It will be just me. What will I do with my life? The broad answer is: What ever I want. But I honestly don’t know what I want. The things that I pictured for my life, those things are gone.
So I have to rethink what I want. It’s hard to think of things in terms of “what do I want?” instead of “what will I do?”. I haven’t spent too much time in the last 15 years thinking about what I want. I’ve thought about my kids, my husband, my friends, my church, our money, education, and so many more things. But I didn’t think about what I want.
It’s difficult. It feels selfish. It doesn’t feel natural. I was taught from a young age to take care of everyone else, so I did. Now it’s time to start taking care of myself, and think about my future, and I don’t know how. I spent so long thinking that what I wanted wasn’t obtainable, now it is so hard to consider now that it might actually be in my grasp.
It’s new to think that I could go back to school, write a book, own a business, travel, or even own a house, a little shop, or a new car. It seems so crazy to me. Not long ago I did a writing exercise. I made a list of all the things I would do if money were not an issue. Most of them revolved around being a traveler, and entrepreneur. I am starting to wonder, can I really do that? The logical side of me says, yes of course you can. You are determined and can do anything you decide you are going to do.
Do I have doubt? Every minute. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. We all have doubt about most areas of our lives. But, what are you choosing to do with it?Fight through it? Speak against it? Give in to it? Let it keep you stuck. I for one do not like any of those options. So I push forward. I make plans. I embrace the possibility even in the mist of my fear and sadness. I question myself all the time, but I push myself too.
That is what living is. Pushing through the fear and doubt. Building a life that you once only dreamed of. Adjusting, and working through the pains of life while still asking your self where you will go with your life now.
Are you really living?