To heal you have to hurt. It sucks. It’s the worst feeling ever. You just want the pain to stop, but in order for that to happen you have to dig up why it hurts in the first place.
I’m in the middle of a therapy assignment, and it just breaks me open. I feel pain, and anger, and avoidance. It’s a shit storm of emotions that I never wanted to feel. I want it to stop, yet I know that the only way for it to really stop is to wade through it. Feel it. Own it.
I used to be an angry person. I had some pretty serious anger issues. I learned how to control them, but that wasn’t always the best. It means that I keep a lot bottled up. It means that when I hurt, I get angry. But, then I shut it down before it can be fully expressed and dealt with. That doesn’t help.
Today, I tried acknowledging the anger. I started this great list with the title: What Makes Me Angry. I wrote three things on that list, and I cried my way through the last one. Hurt and anger have usually been so closely tied together for me that I can’t separate the two. Today was no different.
I have handled the hard things in my life two ways. I either face it head on with my sword drawn like I’m going to battle, or I avoid it. In my mind there is no middle ground. I’m learning now that I have to have the heart of a woman going to war, but I have to have enough mind to know when I can’t handle anymore. It’s a hard lesson to learn. I’m not good at the part of healing where you slow down, and feel things, and work through them. I charge ahead or not at all. That’s the way I’ve always been.
Today, I tried a different way. I took a nap. I read a book. Then I opened my journal, and wrote what I was avoiding. Then I cried. Now I’m here.
It’s a process that I am learning to be okay with.