Most of the time, to most people, I appear to be okay. I function well. I put up a facade, and I pretend that life is moving forward. I become almost robotic. Almost.
Then there are nights like tonight. I journal with a pen and paper about the things I miss. The tears flow almost as fast as the words. I say the things to my little blue notebook that I will never speak out loud, and I wonder if I will ever really be okay. Will I be okay deep inside, where no one sees me?
People move on. They find new jobs, new homes, new loves. I don’t. I’ve always been one to dwell inside of myself for a long time, and not move forward. I don’t forget easily, and the pain never quite goes away.
So I’m left wondering what that means for me now. I love long and hard, and when it’s over my heart is never the same. Twice in my life I’ve survived the pain of loosing someone I love, but having to watch them live a life without me. I already know that I wouldn’t survive a third. It’s not some sad, self-pity thing. It’s just something I know about myself. Just like I know my eyes are blue, my skin will always burn in the sun, I will always be stubborn, and I would not survive love a third time.
I had it. I lost it. That’s it. I don’t look for new love. I don’t think that there is something better out there for me. I simply live my life as it is now. I have children, so I must. I get up, I work, I love my kids, and I try my best. At night, when the house is quiet, and my heart starts bleeding again, I try my best to keep going. Because I can’t do anything else.
I say all of this because I think some of you understand what I am saying. I think some of you have also thought the same things I have….
I won’t survive this again….
I need to shut down before I can’t function….
Will I ever feel okay….
Why wasn’t I enough….
Why can’t we go back and fix it…..
Maybe you are on the other side of this type of thinking. Maybe you are glad to be done with that life, that person, who you were then….If that’s you, then I’m glad that you are doing better. I’m glad you can move forward with out the crazy self questioning thoughts.
But for those of you who are like me, you are not alone. I want you to know that in every part of you. You are not alone. You are enough. You are going to be okay. You can get through this. You will live again. Give it time. Give yourself grace, and love. You will make it.