I panicked a few days ago. I worried that I had never made cookies for my son. I text my ex husband and asked him. He couldn’t remember either. I was heartbroken and distraught. What if I had never made him cookies? Every mom should make their kids cookies. There is something special about your mom making you cookies.
My mom made me cookies when I was sick. She would put my sister and I on the couch and bury us in blankets, and then we would watch Bed Knobs and Broom Sticks, and drink hot totties, and she would make us fresh warm cookies. It made me feel so loved. That’s what mom’s do. But, I can’t remember if I ever did.
My mind raced to questions like “What if I failed him?” To me, not making my kid cookies was failure. I started to worry then about all the things I might not have done for him. Did I read to him? Did I take him to the park? Did I watch his favorite movie with him? Did I listen when he was hurting or confused? Did I love on him when he was sick? Did I do a good job at teaching him to be kind, and to love well?
I know I did. I can think of times when I have done each of these things. Except I can’t remember anything about damn cookies. But the rest of it…..I know I did it. Yet, I panic. What if it wasn’t enough? What if he didn’t know that I loved him as much as I did? What if, what if, what if…..
It’s the what if’s that I can’t dwell on. I can’t go there. I can’t think about them. They will immobilize me. I know that I did the best I could. I know that he knew my heart. Now it’s time to focus on what I do have left. It’s time to focus on my daughter.
Since my ex husband and I split up I have woke up so many days thinking about him. I redirect my mind by telling myself to focus on my kids, and work. This morning that was especially hard. I woke up thinking about life with my ex, and about how he is now getting some of the things that he wanted, things he couldn’t get with me. I was feeling alone, as I do most of the time now, so I thought-focus on the kids. My brain corrected myself to KID. You have one kid now. Focus on that kid.
My daughter needs a lot of care. Now that her brother is gone she needs more. She told me yesterday that with the split/divorce and then her brother dying the last two years bombed. I don’t want her to feel that way about her whole life. I want her to dream. I want her to grow. I want her to learn through tragedy, not stay in it. But, it’s hard. It’s hard as an adult, let alone a child.
I rarely make cookies, but my daughter enjoys them. Being gluten free makes cookies a little bit harder to do well. But, I want to try. I want to give her a chance to enjoy life, to enjoy the little things. to learn to live life, not stop. So I write schedules, and budgets, and make plans to live life.
And I ask my daughter to make cookies for Cameron with me.