Words are hard to find these days
I’ve been more quiet lately.
A friend tells me I seem tired all the time.
Another friend tells me I seem off
I spent the weekend at parties and it sucked the energy right out of me.
People wanted to talk. They had questions
So many people wanted to know how I’m doing…really.
There are no words. I crave the quiet. I walk with headphones in because I want to drown out the world.
I lay on my couch with the sound of every electronic muted as I work.
I cant handle the words that people say. And I can’t find my own.
I need the quiet because it is so loud in my mind. The words aren’t lacking there. They swirl around and beat me up. They remind me of the things I want to forget. They bring out the pain that I keep locked deep.
Keeping life quiet feels like control. I like to have everything around me controlled. Chaos doesn’t settle well with me. I plan everything I can, including space for spur of the moment things. I do this, because I want just one thing to be controlled by me in my life.
I go on play dates, and coffee dates, and to birthday parties, and family dinners and appointments. I do this because connection is essential. But it drains me.
It’s hard work for me to be around people and chaos and loud spaces. When I become overly drained the words stop. I can’t boot back up if my system doesn’t get some time to shut down.
I’m not lazy. Quiet doesn’t mean I don’t do things. I just take time to do them in silence when I can. And if I don’t get that time I become very…ummm…..unpleasant to be around.
But lately the quiet is a safe haven. It is refreshing and restorative. And it never lasts long enough.
I haven’t been sleeping much. It has provided me with extra time to think. But it’s also time to just be in the quiet.
Anxiety tries to overtake me, and I push back. But, it’s never far away.
I have been walking almost everyday. It gives me space to breathe, and be quiet.
I journal, but the words are random, and weak.
Quiet is how I survive.