I’m scared to share this with you. It’s more open than I usually am. But, last night I was watching videos on Instagram under the hashtag “what do I know” and I was compelled to write my own. I knew I had to share it. I knew I had to be brave enough to be open. I don’t know why, but I know I have to.
So here is what I know….Here is my truth….
I know that grief doesn’t have a timeline, and will never fully go away.
I know that I will fight for everyone but I won’t fight for myself.
I know that loving someone does not mean that they will love you back.
I know that loss changes who I am at my core.
I know that I can’t be my best self when I am surrounded by chaos.
I know that I avoid my feelings because I’m afraid of what they will do to me.
I know that most of my decisions are based out of love, or fear.
I know that I am addicted to coffee, nicotine, and words on pages.
I know that I make lists so I don’t forget things, but also that they are the story of my life, and I’m afraid my life will be forgotten without them.
I know that I give wise advice to others but struggle to speak truth to myself.
I know that I fail a lot, but I can’t ever seem to give up on anything.
I know that I am afraid that one day everyone will have left me.
I know that I am responsible, and hard working.
I know that I hate resting because it feels like giving up.
I know that my love will never heal him, but that I still hope it does.
I know that I believe I failed my son.
I know that I try so hard to contain how crazy I really feel.
I know that I will give up my dreams to make sure my daughter’s dreams happen.
I know that the color black makes me feel confident, and comfortable.
I know that taking pictures makes me feel better.
I know that I will never stop pushing myself to be better, because I am always hard on myself.
I know that books are comforting to me.
I know that I am strong, but that I don’t always want to be.
I know that I have very little physical contact with people, and that most of the time that feels safe to me. But sometimes it just makes me sad.
I know that I am afraid to let people get to close because I think that I will always get my heart shattered.
I know that I have lived through more tragedy than most of the people I have ever known.
I know that I am always completely exhausted in some or most areas of my life.
I know that most of the things I am good at are not a result of talent, but of hours upon hours of hard work, and self discipline.
I know that my life is not at all what I hoped or thought it would be.
I know that I have a very hard time letting go.
I know that I see value in almost everyone, but I still think that I am worthless.
I know this list freaks me out because I know that I have a huge fear of being open, vulnerable-of being seen.
I know what it feels like to hold the hand of someone who just died, and to kiss their cold face.
I know how to plan a funeral for a teenager.
I know how to bake amazing cakes, and breads, but that I also very often forget to eat.
I know how to use tools, change a tire, chop wood, and stamp leather, but also how to plan a party, cook a feast, clean a house, and apply makeup.
I know how to comfort a child, reason with the elderly, and defend my peers, but not how to stand up for myself.
I know how to throw a punch, and how to keep the peace, when to be quiet, and when to be blunt.
I know that I am still learning how to not let myself be used by people who claim to be friends but only take.
I know that I really know very little, and I am still learning to say I don’t know.